Beyond Surrealism

Everything is Broken and Nothing Works: Updates at Times

Archives (page 2 of 4)

Subject Line: Doors

Subject Line: Doors

Time: 9:36 AM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: All Staff

We’re experiencing some issues with the doors right now. We’re looking into it and hope to have it resolved shortly.

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources 

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Address to My Potential Future Employers

Congratulations on finding me here! I had hoped the decorative moss, webs, and the whole hidden cave would throw you off the trail. But here you are! How tenacious of you. Applause! Applause!

Allow me to introduce myself, I am Longsworm Tad in the squishy bits. And it’s all a little squishy these days.

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Social Security

When I imagine retirement,
I imagine lying in a pod,
eyes closed, atrophied,
plugged into a machine
that fires the electricity of the latest Star Wars
across what’s left of my demented psyche.

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Felt Cute. Might Delete Later.

My arm is wiggling again.

There is a man across the year.
He builds and repairs a house, but no one ever lives in it.
I want to live in a time, in a place, in a tree root.
Slurping up tapeworms and drinking solids.
Swallowing every slimy thing whole that slides across my tongue
and into my contentment.

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First Therapy Session Since I Blew Up Iowa in Middle School: A Monologue

Katelyn, it’s a soda. It’s fine. Yes, I know it’s unhealthy, but I used to chug Taaka. Have you ever had Taaka? It’s vodka. Straight from the Russian homeland of Kentucky. It’s mostly used for cleaning hibachi grills.

So, the soda’s fine. It’s peach. It’s delicious. No alcohol content at all. I didn’t even put tequila in it this time, because I know I’ll have to drive myself home, and if I’m being honest it didn’t taste very good.

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My Preferred Alternatives to the Electoral College

The Electoral College is dumb. When we hold any other election we don’t weigh the votes in any way. Governor election? A vote in Nashville has the same impact as a vote in Bumpuck.

The old system is based on Southern slave states not wanting to constantly lose to more populous Northern states. The Electoral College comes from the same people who decided that slaves counted as 3/5ths of a person for the House of Representatives.

I know the Founding Fathers pooped angels, but even they couldn’t perfectly plan for the future.

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