The Electoral College is dumb. When we hold any other election we don’t weigh the votes in any way. Governor election? A vote in Nashville has the same impact as a vote in Bumpuck.

The old system is based on Southern slave states not wanting to constantly lose to more populous Northern states. The Electoral College comes from the same people who decided that slaves counted as 3/5ths of a person for the House of Representatives.

I know the Founding Fathers pooped angels, but even they couldn’t perfectly plan for the future.

Now, this isn’t going to be an in-depth analysis and explanation of why we need to switch from the Electoral College to the popular vote. You can use Google to find that. Vox probably has something.

No, I want to explore other alternatives. Let’s put all the options back on the table. If the Chinese government can decide communism is whatever they say it is, I don’t understand why US democracy has to actually be one person one vote (it’s not right now: see Electoral College).

Alternative 1: Let Chance Decide

Instead of voting for someone, how about we just put all the names of US citizens into a giant hat and see who we pull out? There’s our winner.

I can’t take credit for this idea. Alex Guerrero, a philosophy professor at the University of Pennsylvania, has a book entitled “The Lottocratic Alternative.” And he’s not the only one to suggest a lottery based system. I learned about this idea from a friend of mine who mentioned as an interesting thought experiment (shout-out to Trey).

At first, it sounds crazy, right? We could let anyone become President! I assume some sipmle rules around age, criminal records, and whatnot so we don’t end up with a literal 5-year-old. But, why not let anyone have a chance?

Anyone able to win an election in present-day America has only shown their capability to manipulate votes and work the political machine. Plenty of people would argue the fact that you’re able to win the election means you definitely aren’t the right person for the job.

Time to end having the same people in the Senate for decades. No more having families hold multiple Presidencies. Trump has the same chances as Billy Bob down the street.

Everyone talks about commonsense problem solving and the importance of talking things out. Who better to solve big issues than people who don’t have to worry about pleasing their base and can’t make politics their career?

Alternative 2: Do You Even Lift?

Politicians love to post pics and videos of themselves working out. Paul Ryan got the attention of mom’s all across Fox News by doing P90X. None of us can scrub the image of Trump playing tennis from our memories. And, Obama always loved to hit the basketball court.

Presented without comment.

Time for us to stop messing around and focus on what’s truly important in our leader. How much weight can they lift with their pectoral muscles?

That’s right. Each party picks their favorite candidate and then we see how much each of them can bench-press, the most important and powerful exercise possible.

Political parties have to gamble how strong of a person they want to put forward knowing that they’ll be stuck with that person for 4 years in office. Maybe you pick someone who is a preferred party member in the hopes that the other party’s preferred candidate is a smidge weaker.

There’s a chance we could all be governed by the newly created Muscles Party, but I’m sure the system would be complicated enough to keep a minimal amount of status quo.

And the benefits are immediate. No more elderly white men. No worries the President won’t be in good shape. And, it’ll be someone that can beat up Putin. What more do you want? I welcome President Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

“What about women and minorities who might be at a disadvantage with this system?” I hear you say.

“What’s different from now?” I reply.

Alternative 3: Lights, Cameras, Action

Currently, politicians only have to run around to key electoral states. But what if instead of turning the presidency into warped version of The Apprentice it currently is, we take a page from a different reality show.

The President could have to win a version of CBS’s The Great Race. Along with their VP picks, the candidates would travel to all 50 states and compete in a variety of challenges for advantages and points.

How much fried butter can you eat in Iowa? Who is the first to catch a catfish in Mississippi? Can you give a speech after eating pot brownies in Denver? The possibilities are endless.

Once again, instead of judging people based on how well they handle the current political landscape and how much money they raise, we can throw 50 unique and interesting challenges at them.

Not only will they best tested based their puzzle solving, planning, fitness, and improvisation, but they will have to spend time seeing all of the country. A farmer dealing with trade war isn’t a stranger anymore. It’s Don who had the candidates see how many bales of hay they could toss down to the goats in 3 minutes.

CSPAN could live stream the whole thing and have their highest ratings ever. All the ad revenue could go to the federal budget. Overall, it’s plain-old American fun.

Alternative 4: Double Blind Style

Okay, okay. So, you still want a form of voting to take place. Fine. Fine. I understand. You know what? Let’s make it scientific. How about a Double-Blind voting system? We could use it for both primaries and the general elections.

These could be our ideal votes or ideal candidates. We have no idea.

Candidates are secretly picked by the parties and then have to present their views and argument in text online with no name attached. Or read by Siri.

Everyone reads/listens to what the candidates have to say and then votes for their preferred one. A random, statistically significant, selection of votes is made and the winner announced based on that data set.

Voters can’t be biased based on appearance and demographics of the candidate. A candidate doesn’t have to be famous and have name recognition. A minimal amount of possible bias means it all comes down to who has the best ideas and the best rhetoric.

In addition, since the candidates don’t know for sure who all will be selected to have their votes count, they can’t focus on winning a couple key demographics. Maybe this year most of the votes selected come from the coasts. Maybe next time they mostly end up being from the Midwest.

Either way, candidates have to try and appeal to broad swathes of the country if they want a better chance of winning.

We still vote, but no more being swayed by a pretty face or a family name.

Alternative 5: Let Disney Run Wild

The US political system runs on money. And the money comes from the corporations. Instead of all of us playing this dog and pony show where politicians pretend they don’t have corporate interests, and we act disappointed when they give corporations more rights than the average person, let’s have the corporations run for office.

I’m not talking about Zuckerberg or Trump. Those are people. I mean Mickey Mouse debating on stage with Tim Apple and Google’s personalized hologram of who they know is your favorite person.

It’s time for politicians to stop having all the fun. Where’re my bribes? Where’re my personal favors? I want to know what these companies are willing to give the American people in exchange for sovereignty.

Sure maybe the majority of our salaries will go to straight into Jeff Bezo’s personal bank account, but what kind of instant shipping and tv streaming will he provide in exchange for beating out Bill Gates?

Perhaps instead of letting companies woo voters with special benefits, we could collectively put the Presidency up for sale. Power goes to the highest corporate bidder and all the money spent is divided equally among the population.

We each get $10K in the bank, but now we have to buy our groceries from AT&T. What could go wrong?

Aren’t you fascinated to see what the corporations do when they realize there’s no more money or profit left to take from us? Directly selling the presidency will speed up the whole process and let America reach it’s pure, final form of capitalism.

All Hail Mickey Mouse.

What’s Your Favorite?

I know all these ideas sound like different levels of crazy, but government used to be decided by the person with the biggest club who could hear the voice of the sun god.

Do you have a favorite option out of the above? Think we should create an AI to fairly rule instead? Leave a comment here or anywhere Beyond Surrealism can be found. I want to see what you come up with.

It’s time the people had a voice again. And not an Electoral College.