Katelyn, it’s a soda. It’s fine. Yes, I know it’s unhealthy, but I used to chug Taaka. Have you ever had Taaka? It’s vodka. Straight from the Russian homeland of Kentucky. It’s mostly used for cleaning hibachi grills.

So, the soda’s fine. It’s peach. It’s delicious. No alcohol content at all. I didn’t even put tequila in it this time, because I know I’ll have to drive myself home, and if I’m being honest it didn’t taste very good.

My driving has been worse lately anyway. Nothing serious. Just a lot sudden stops at lights or too wide turns. Never hit anyone. Never had an accident in my life. Worst thing I’ve done is scraped the paint a little and crushed a trashcan. It got fixed.

I assume it’s because of the same reason I’m here, Katelyn. I’m tired. I’m tired all the * time. Tired when I wake up, shower, drink my all-natural green tea, sit at my job, watch YouTube, and lie in bed with insomnia.

I used to joke that someday I’d wake up and then wouldn’t people be amazed. I’d be wide-eyed. Functioning 100%. My mind would be whirling through solutions so fast you wouldn’t be able to keep up on a bicycle. I’d be writing philosophy and crafting stories to stun the world. No more fog. A total clarity of perception. I would see, breathe, and think.

Right now I can’t even figure out what allergy medicine I need to take to stop being stuffy every morning.

Well, it’s time Katelyn. Dr. Katelyn. I need your help. I need anything you can give me that can keep me moving for more than 5 hours. Right now I’m a slug. And, it’s getting worse. Each day I can see my battery percentage drop. I’m an iPhone that’s two years old! I need fresh juice!

I don’t know if that’s triple espresso, steroids, meth. Tried MDMA once. That could work. What do you got for me, Katelyn? I need to be rollin’ hard-buttering-core to get all my tribulations done!

Deep breathing and mediation apps just aren’t cuttin’ it anymore. Can’t exhale my way out of a plastic bag let alone the bloody knuckles of modern life. I want you to pour whatever poppers you got straight into my veins until I blow up!

Can you do that for me, Dr. Katelyn? I’m going to smash this soda bottle and get the show started. Come at me vitamin D deficiency and autoimmune disorders! Let’s dig into this skin and turn that on switch to 11!


Smash bottle. Lights Off. End Scene.

Author’s Note: I should film this and send it in as my audition tape to play the Joker. Joaquin’s days are numbered.

P.S. If you are reading this and you are my literal therapist, I use humor as coping mechanism. I hope you found this more humorous than disturbing.