Everything is Broken and Nothing Works: Updates at Times

Category: Local News (page 1 of 1)

Remember When Top 5? Politics Edition from the Year 2043

After the BIG ORANGE BOOM at the end of 2020, the United States political system underwent major renovations and organic changes.

If you can remember when any of these changes went into effect, then you’re in Stage 4 of Rapid Aging Syndrome. You crazy Gen Zers!

Okay, enough playing around. Let’s get right into the list! Here are our Top 5 changes that have been made to the US government in the last 23 years.

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Covid 19 and the Death of Greek Life

Last week in a brief and startling burst of sanity, Knoxville leadership decided to shut down all UT Greek life parties in the city to halt the spread of Covid 19.

“We immediately had second thoughts,” said Glenda Williamson, County Health Tsar. “But by then it was too late. We had already passed the regulation and blackmailed both the sheriff’s department and city police into enforcing it. Those boys sure love their bubbles.”

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135th Democrat Primary Debate Transcript

The lights are on. The stage is set. The audience is filled with millennials and boomers with not a gen-x in sight. Only two candidates are left. Let’s rumble!

Moderator: Thank you both for attending. Let’s get right into it, shall we? First question. There has been a lot of concern over being able to work with Mitch McConnell. He’s gone on record as saying the Senate will shut down if Florida Man isn’t reelected. How would you deal with him?

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Satire Writers Give Up in Frustration at Madness of US Primaries

Satirical writers are becoming desperate all across the United States of America. US politics have become immune to parody. 

“I don’t understand,” said Gian Phillips, lead political editor of the Dead Turnip. “Elections used to be our goldmine. Jon Stewart made a whole show off of living through the Bush years. John Olivier begged Trump to keep running for the goofs. How could politics run out of funny?” 

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Elsa Asks ‘Where is Your God Now?’ to Millions of Terrified Parents in New Trailer

Today, the first trailer for Frozen 2 has been released. In it, you can see a mountain of ice and snow grow taller and taller while the sung phrase “Let it go” is repeated over and over again in a crescendo until it’s practically being screamed.

As the camera climbs to the top of the mountain, the music stops and the screen goes black. Elsa then lights herself up with ice magic at the summit and whispers, “Where is your God now?” before Fall Release flashes across the screen.

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Disappointed by the Super Bowl Again, Man Swears to Eat 2X Chicken Wings Next Year

Today, Dan Carls, a 34 old man from Nebraska has sworn after coming into the office late this morning that next year’s Super Bowl will not be as disappointing as this year’s.

Without being able to control the teams there, the scores, or even the commercials, Carls has decided that he will at least eat double the amount of chicken wings next year.

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Chaos as New Coffee Introduced to Office

Mania descended on an Athens, GA, office Wednesday morning after a new brand of coffee was made in the office pot. All work stopped as office employees gathered in small groups of two or three to whisper about the radical change and their discontent.

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