Last week in a brief and startling burst of sanity, Knoxville leadership decided to shut down all UT Greek life parties in the city to halt the spread of Covid 19.

“We immediately had second thoughts,” said Glenda Williamson, County Health Tsar. “But by then it was too late. We had already passed the regulation and blackmailed both the sheriff’s department and city police into enforcing it. Those boys sure love their bubbles.”

Law enforcement refused to comment.

After the passing of the anti-party rule, the sororities promised to comply.

“Sure, sure,” said Nicole Nicoleson, Head of Sorority Foreign Affairs. “We’ll definitely not party, and definitely not drink, and definitely not have a good time.”

Nicoleson then took a huge pull on her vape pen and blew smoke in our reporter’s face until they left.

The fraternities were not as cooperative. As soon as they heard the news, barricades of couches, trash bins, cars, empty kegs, and cheap televisions were thrown up in the area colloquially known in Knoxville as “The Fort” blocking several blocks and creating an “Autonomous Party Zone” or APZ.

Pickup trucks flying banners with a middle finger painted on the American flag were sent out to raid the surrounding area for pizza, alcohol, and drugs. The call went out for all college-aged partiers in the city to join them. Over 2,000 people were estimated to have joined the APZ on the first day before police set up roadblocks to halt more students from partaking.

An initial police attempt to breach the APZ barricades resulted in a barrage of molotov cocktails, half-drunk Natty Lite cans, and bricks being thrown.

“Boys will be boys,” said Hamm Whiteman, KPD Chief. “We’ve decided we don’t want to hurt the young and tender babies in there, so we’ve arranged a treaty where we’ll have medical staff standing by to remove any partiers brought to us and will not bother them in any way.”

Our intern showed us how to use Snapchat Maps to see raw footage from inside The Party Zone. Typical party behavior such as dancing, keg stands, and shots gave way to extreme intoxication and shenanigans. A figure featured prominently in the footage appeared to have stripped off all of his clothes and tied a face mask to his pubic hair such that the mask covered his scrotum.

Ironic butt-chugging was not spotted, but is still suspected based on the level of nudity and funnels present. A two-story, keg waterfall was attempted where beer would flow out each person’s mouth into the mouth of another person down the line. Engineering difficulties resulted in several broken bones.

The streets were covered with vomit, urine, and spilled beverages. The stench could be smelled from over three blocks away.

Within 48 hours, hospital beds were stuffed full with dehydrated frat boys waiting for Covid 19 test results.

Now that the hangover has set in and the party stopped, high level party leaders are facing expulsion or mild inconveniences from the administration and local government. Greek life has been banned until football season in two weeks. With these measures in place, along with the Five Core Pillar Actions, Covid 19 cases are expected to drop within 22 months.