The lights are on. The stage is set. The audience is filled with millennials and boomers with not a gen-x in sight. Only two candidates are left. Let’s rumble!

Moderator: Thank you both for attending. Let’s get right into it, shall we? First question. There has been a lot of concern over being able to work with Mitch McConnell. He’s gone on record as saying the Senate will shut down if Florida Man isn’t reelected. How would you deal with him?

Biden: Well let’s see, I’ve known Kitch for a long, long time. We sponsored bills, stopped affordable before and slowed down. I know how to aisle and get it done. Talk it out. Find solutions together for problems someone has. You can see how Obama did. I’ll do that too. Like you all need decency.

Moderator: Senator Sanders, same question.

Sanders: He’d fall down the stairs like an accident. 

Moderator: Next question. Health care is an important topic to talk about. In fact, because of Covid 19, we’ve been forcibly removing any audience member that sneezes and taking them out back. What does your plan for health care look like, Vice President Biden? 

Biden: When I was young, we didn’t have health. We had crackerjacks and pencil pouches and you’d plug those up to keep the bodies warm when walking. We need expansion of medicine, but we can’t afford it. Can’t be quality and for everyone affordable. Obama has introduced me to friends as Joe and those friends are good people to help.

Sanders: I would like to reply.

Moderator: Next question for Vice President Biden. People have been saying you’re too focused on policy when it’s the emotions you evoke that we need more of. What emotions would you like your campaign to evoke?

Biden: I agree with Hope. America needs people. Back in 1982, in 1985, we missed out on the future that could be with each other. I want a return to decency. Sitting in the rocking chair as grandmother goes out one last time to try and catch grandad still at the bar with the blonde she spotted him with across the carpool. Drinking sweet tea. You know me. I’ve been. 

Moderator: Okay Bernie, what emotions do you think Biden should focus on over policy?

Sanders: This country is being stolen from us by billionaires, and you’re asking me–

Security Guard: Everyone stay calm, but she’s broken past the second barrier! She’s coming! We can’t stop her! We’ve called for back up. Oh no!

Gunshots are heard.

Gabbard appears on stage dressed as Rambo with an AK 47 in each hand. 

Gabbard: I met the debate requirements yesterday, and you f****** b***** think you can just f*** me, and change them at 1:02 AM without f******** consequences? I’m here! You can’t stop me! I have my delegates locked up and in my basement! F*** all of you! 

Biden and Sanders were invited backstage while the DNC SWAT team, sponsored by Exxon (Fuel Your Fury!), engaged with Gabbard. After three confirmed kills, she was forced to retreat.

Once the coast was clear, Biden and Sanders retook the bullet-ridden stage.

Moderator: Okay, Sandy, got one for you.

Sanders: Thank you.

Moderator: A lot of people forget you’re a Jew. How will you deal with that issue when reaching out to centrists?

Sanders: Excuse me. 

Moderator: 30 seconds left.

Sanders: I’m here to retake our country from corrupt billionaires and corporations which are actively destroying our health and environment!

Moderator: That’s time! Foreign affairs are always an issue with the so-called “Forever War” in the Middle East. Vice President Biden, what would you drink during your first meeting with Putin?

Biden: Butin is a scoundrel and an ally. He cannot be trusted and neither can the water over there. One time I visited France and they had these bubblies. No flavor just bubbles. What’s wrong with a beer? America loves beer. Obama and I were broswikisses and had drink a lot.

Moderator: Thank you. Final question of the debate for both of you. How would you address global warming? Vice President, your turn to answer first.

Biden: We didn’t have all these sandy hurricane sharknadoes when I was getting stuff done in Congress. You know they call me Buddy Joe there. I don’t think we can have bad weather continue all the time. It still gets sunny when it rains. Read that’s the devil beating his wife. Weirdest thing.

Moderator: Okay Burn, let’s wrap this up.

Sanders: We have to stop the usage of fossil fuels and pass the Green New Deal to bring both prosperity and a future to our children. We–

The lights are turned off and the sound cut. 

Moderator: That’s all the time we have. Goodnight!