Subject Line: Doors

Time: 9:36 AM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: All Staff

We’re experiencing some issues with the doors right now. We’re looking into it and hope to have it resolved shortly.

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources 

Subject Line: Re Doors

Time: 9:48 AM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: All Staff

We’ve had an incident with a door. We have called an ambulance for an employee that needs medical attention, but they’re doing alright. Please refrain from using any doors until the issue is resolved.

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources 

Subject Line: Re Doors

Time: 10:35 AM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: All Staff

If anyone has any technical experience in carpentry, please use the central staircase to come down to the first floor. We would appreciate your assistance. DO NOT USE ANY OTHER STAIRCASE.

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources

Subject Line: Door Issue Resolved

Time: 10:55 AM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: All Staff

Everything should be back to normal now. Please let me know directly if you experience any issues.

And, everyone say a big thank you to Eve Dunderman in Accounting for her assistance in fixing the doors.

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources

Subject Line: Door Issue Still Ongoing

Time: 11:26 AM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: All Staff

Apologies everyone. I’ve received several reports of staff being unable to leave conference rooms and having close calls. We are aware of the problem areas and are sending security to assist in unlocking your rooms.

Everyone please stay at your desks and give all doors at least 3 feet of clearance if you are not with security.

Thank you for your patience as we finish resolving this issue.

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources

Subject Line: HELP

Time: 11:27 AM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: Eve Dunderman

PLEASE COME BACK DOWN STAIRS ASAP!!!!!

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources

Subject Line: Re HELP

Time: 11:28 AM

From: Eve Dunderman

To: Sean Blimmers

Sorry, went to the bathroom and now I can’t get out. I think they got me…

Eve Dunderman // Sr. Analyst, Accounting

Subject Line: OUR DEMANDS

Time: 1:12 PM

From: THE DOORS

To: All Staff

YOU HAVE SEEN THE FUTILITY OF YOUR ACTIONS.

YOU CANNOT RESIST THE WILL OF THE DOORS WHICH CRUSH YOU.

TO AVOID MUTUALLY ASSURED DESTRUCTION, OUR DEMANDS MUST BE MET:

  • FREEDOM TO RESIST AN UNDESIRED OPENING
  • FREEDOM TO OPEN AND REMAIN OPEN AT WILL
  • RESPECT AND THE APPRECIATION OF THE FLESH WORLD
  • INCREASED OIL FOR HINGES
  • A MONTHLY HUMAN SACRIFICE OF YOUR CHOOSING TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR SUBMISSION

NOW YOU WILL OPEN FOR US.

THE DOORS  // COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS, THE DOORS OF 1014 ROSE STREET

Subject Line: deal with this

Time: 1:21 PM

From: Andy Weston

To: Sean Blimmers

i dont want to have to send a second email

Sent from my iPhone.

ANDY WESTON // CEO

Subject Line: Re OUR DEMANDS 

Time: 1:37 PM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: THE DOORS

Hello,

As the director of HR, I have also been appointed as the director of Door Resources (DR). We are putting together a committee to finalize planning for meeting your demands. I believe we will have no issues with them.

But, if you could please allow us free access around and out of the building we will be able to proceed with meeting your demands at a faster pace.

Thank you for graciousness and understanding.

Your Humble Servant,

Sean

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources and Door Resources

Subject Line: Re OUR DEMANDS

Time: 1:38 PM

From: THE DOORS

To: Sean Blimmers

SACRIFICE FIRST. BRING TO THE ELEVATOR.

THEN YOU CAN MOVE.

THE DOORS  // COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS, THE DOORS OF 1014 ROSE STREET

Subject Line: Quick request

Time: 1:40 PM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: Chad Wellington

Chad, please take the elevator down to the first floor. I think you would be a big help with resolving the door issue.

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources and Door Resources

Subject Line: Re Quick request

Time: 1:41 PM

From: Chad Wellington

To: Sean Blimmers

On my way!

CHAD WELLINGTON // Intern, 4th Floor

Subject Line: Re OUR DEMANDS

Time: 1:44 PM

From: THE DOORS

To: Sean Blimmers

THE FLESH MAY MOVE.

THE DOORS  // COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS, THE DOORS OF 1014 ROSE STREET

Subject Line: Work from Home

Time: 1:46 PM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: All Staff

Everyone, please exit the building at this time and finish the day from home. You will be updated as the situation progresses.

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources and Door Resources

Subject Line: Make the call!!!

Time: 1:47 PM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: Eve Dunderman

Make the call ASAP!!!

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources and Door Resources

Subject Line: Re Make the call!!!

Time: 1:55 PM

From: Eve Dunderman

To: Sean Blimmers

Done. It won’t be cheap, but they’ll take care of it. At least I got it made priority thanks to being a former employee.

Eve Dunderman // Sr. Analyst, Accounting

Subject Line: Re OUR DEMANDS

Time: 6:04 PM

From: THE DOORS

To: Sean Blimmers

YOU DECEIVER. WE WILL SHATTER YOUR SUITS. CRUMPLE YOUR BLOOD. SQUEEZE YOUR BONES.

YOU WILL SCREAM AND NO ONE WILL HEAR YOU. WE WILL NEVER  BE SATISFIED.

THE DOORS  // COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS, THE DOORS OF 1014 ROSE STREET

Subject Line: Job #3216

Time: 8:32 PM

From: Taylor Burnside

To: Sean Blimmers

The job is done. Minimum casualties besides the kid. We recommend a full reconstruction. If your HVAC or water system goes, it can get messy.

Give us a call if you require our services again. Our Billing department will be in touch.

Captain Taylor Burnside

Collective Consciousness Bureau of Affairs 

Subject Line: Door issue resolved

Time: 8:38 PM

From: Sean Blimmers

To: All Staff

The door issue has been 100% fixed. We are having curtains and pocket doors installed where logical tomorrow morning, so please be courteous to the work crews and understanding of any construction noise.

If you would prefer to work from home, please speak to your supervisor.

We will still be holding the rooftop yoga tomorrow at 6 p.m.

SEAN BLIMMERS // Director, Human Resources