Satirical writers are becoming desperate all across the United States of America. US politics have become immune to parody. 

“I don’t understand,” said Gian Phillips, lead political editor of the Dead Turnip. “Elections used to be our goldmine. Jon Stewart made a whole show off of living through the Bush years. John Olivier begged Trump to keep running for the goofs. How could politics run out of funny?” 

With Biden literally yelling at people not to vote for him, Bloomberg tweeting about his head size, Bernie hosting rock concerts, serial abusers and racists flying right into leading polling spots, what could a comedian say that’s more outrageous than reality?

“We had a candidate who was running on the power of ‘good vibes’ and spiritual energy!” screamed Sean McShane from the Comedy Hole at me on Twitter. 

The political process itself defies belief with the Iowa caucuses being broken by an expensive, broken app by a company named Shadow. 

“Shadow-made app breaks process of voters flipping coins to decide the primary candidate in corn fields. That’s a real headline that could be written,” Phillips said. “Even my best writers couldn’t imagine something absurd.” 

But that’s old news now. Jokes about Bloomberg’s racist and misogynistic comments are only relevant for a few hours. No one has brought up Klobuchar’s abuse of staffers for months. Writers could make a parody of Bloomberg in a police outfit made of hundred dollar bills or dropping off big bags with $$$ on them to the DNC only for a real photo to leak.

 Who knows what will happen next? 

And we’re not even at the insanity that will be the general election. Florida Man aka Florida Man (remember when he moved his residence to Florida a few months ago to avoid taxes?) is already testing how petty nicknames for potential Democrat candidates. We’re going to get debates where the Florida Man is going to point at their opponent and repeat a single, negative word about their physical appearance until they run out of time.

“I’m moving to Canada after all this,” Phillips said the same as he did in 2015, 2016, and 2018.