Congratulations on finding me here! I had hoped the decorative moss, webs, and the whole hidden cave would throw you off the trail. But here you are! How tenacious of you. Applause! Applause!

Allow me to introduce myself, I am Longsworm Tad in the squishy bits. And it’s all a little squishy these days.

I expect sending pieces of the address by muskrat to Paris, D.C., Toronto and Ogallala, NE, assisted you in your search efforts. Based on the number of you here I needn’t have worried about the vagueness of each paper scrap.

The question is lurking on all your lips. I can see it squeaking out with your warm breath. Why am I willing to give up my life of adventure and solitude to soldier on once again into the vicious jungles of corporate capitalism?

Frankly, my pockets are out of gems. I have taken to tending a Shiba Inu farm. It’s terribly expensive. I love my herd, but they grow more restless by the day. They demand more gems. I never care to admit personal poverty, but I also believe in honesty of character. Topaz, opal, amethyst, peridot, tiger’s eye, citrine, jasper, emerald, ruby. I need them. All for the provision of the adorable and hungry herd.

The whole endeavor of wealth is entirely vulgar to me, but so are the scraps of cloth I’m wearing that used to be a polo. So, here we all are. No revolution in sight, rubbing two pennies together hoping to spark the creation of bread.

Anyway, today it’s you who has come for me. I expect you’d like a review of recommendations and past labors. If I remember correctly it was 32 years, 4 months, 11 days, 18 hours, and 2 minutes since the mayor of Khartoum awarded me the hydra bones. I can provide a fax number to his retirement home for follow-up.

My mother, God rest her, is always available for conversation and can speak to my early merits.

You can also find my ex-lover Duan Dakota on most social media outlets though you’ll have to search for “Gh0stJ0keL0ve” to discuss how I handle conflict resolution.

I can legally share of my accomplishments that I orchestrated the Great Dictionary Mixup, smuggled 10,000 Bibles to Antarctica, hunted mosquito swarms for half a decade, and diligently worked to increase the amount of spam relative to personal letters in the US postal system.

The lowest point of my career happened in Utah while trying to preemptively handle a plan for my postmortem induction into a cult. But, I don’t want to speak ill of any past employer or management. However, if anyone here mentions Xenu they can remove themselves immediately from the application process.

I am prepared to avail myself for the services of shepherding, librarian supervisor, Dark Pond, stock market repairer, copywriting, or snow overseer.

Let’s start the bidding at 100 drachmas per hour and see where we end up! To keep matters orderly, the cotton mice will attend to each of you as needed.

I’m passionately looking forward to joining my new family with one of you! I hope the cubicle has a seat warmer and a ceiling fan.